Kama Sutra Cookbook
by AnxiousDreamer
Summary: When Eugene wants to surprise Rapunzel with newly-acquired knowledge from a special book, things don't go quite exactly as he planned. Rated T for mild adult references.


**The credit for this story goes to my friend, Olivia ( scxrletwanda on Twitter). She came up with the idea and a few of the quotes, I just put the rest of it into words. Rated T because I didn't think it was raunchy enough for an M rating. Give it a read and a review, it'd make my day for sure.**

"Where on earth could it be?" Eugene muttered to himself. He had been scouring the palace library for what seemed like hours, but all of his efforts were to no avail. To be fair, he wasn't even sure exactly _where_ he should be looking for this book.

He had first looked under the author's name, which was V-something, in the romance section. He couldn't pronounce the name, but he knew he'd recognize it when he saw it. However, the book was not there. Next, he checked for the literal title of the book, which started with a K. Again, the book was not there.

"This library has got to have a copy of it." He reassured himself, as he continued his quest. He decided it would be easier to just go through all of the shelves of books, in the off chance that the book had been simply misplaced by the last reader. And then it appeared to him. He had found it!

"Who would put _Kama Sutra_ in the cookbook section?" He wondered aloud, tucking the book under his arm so he could try to sneak it out of the library and into the bedroom without anyone noticing. Using the skills he retained from his thieving days, he opened the large door to the library as quietly as he could, before sticking his head out and scanning the area to see if anyone was passing by. When he was certain the coast was clear, he stepped out and shut the door behind him. He slowly crept down the hallway, careful to avoid the palace staff. When he saw Cassandra appear down a hallway to the left of him, he quickly scurried backwards down another hallway when he bumped into a wall. A wall that was breathing and had hands that were now grasped around his shoulders.

Eugene slowly turned around to see King Frederic, Rapunzel's father, standing face-to-face with him. The King was a large, intimidating man, and here stood Eugene, holding a book containing a multitude of sex positions that he intended to try with the King's daughter. This was not going to blow over well.

"Eugene, what are you doing sneaking around the palace like this?" King Frederic asked, raising an eyebrow.

Eugene gulped. "I, um, I was just leaving the library and I saw Cassandra. Heard she's been a bit moody lately, so I thought it'd be best to avoid her."

"Ah I see." The King responded, skeptically. "What book do you got there, Eugene?"

"Uhh, I-it's a cookbook! For Indian food?"

The King's face softened a bit. "What kind of dishes were you thinking of preparing?"

"Oh, you know, some really hot ones?" Eugene could only imagine how his face looked. His jaw was tense but he was trying his best to smile, his nose was a bit scrunched, and his eyebrows were doing all sorts of weird things.

And now the King looked baffled. So Eugene decided to emphasize.

"Yeah I wanted to figure out how to make chicken kama- I mean chicken korma! Y'know, for Rapunzel. That girl loves trying out new foods, so I figured I'd spend some time in the kitchen, whipping up...something new?" He felt like he was failing epically at convincing the King of his sudden interest in Indian food, but his efforts were not in vain. The King, at this point, had given up, and walked away, shaking his head and muttering to himself.

Eugene took a deep breath, feeling his heartbeat in his ears. He was thankful that Rapunzel's father had given up so easily, and carefully made his way to the bedroom to avoid any other incidences. Once he had safely made it back to the bedroom, he breathed a real sigh of relief, and made his way over to the bed so he could peer through the book. He wanted to skim through some of it while it was still daylight out. However, none of the text was making sense to him. There were no pictures, as he had heard there were, and everything seemed to be speaking in codes and riddles.

"How am I supposed to decipher this?" He asked himself, as if someone was going to respond. The book was translated into English, so he had no problem reading it. It was deciphering those words that he was having trouble with. He figured that the entire book was a big euphemism in disguise, so if a child or a virtuous person picked it up, they wouldn't understand what it said. But since _he_ was having trouble understanding it, he wasn't quite sure that this was the best idea. "Maybe I should've just picked a different book." He muttered.

Still, he spend a considerable amount of time pawing through the book. He was trying to make sense of all of the euphemisms. There were whole numbers, and fractions, and lists, and steps, and he was absolutely certain that they all meant something. But he was getting frustrated. This was supposed to be easy. And fun. But this book wasn't what Eugene would consider fun.

Just then, Rapunzel burst into the room. "Hi, Eugene!" She exclaimed excitedly. His frustrations melted away instantly; she could brighten up a room with just her smile.

"Hi, sunshine." He responded, getting up off the bed to greet her. He left the book open, because if he couldn't figure it out, then he knew Rapunzel wouldn't be able to figure it out either. "How was your day?"

"Oh, it was so amazing! Cassandra and I took the horses on a ride, then I met with the Duchess of Andovia, and then I picked some flowers in the garden. And now I'm here with you." She giggled, hugging him. "How was your day?"

"Eh, same old, same old. Not as interesting as your day, of course." He shrugged.

"My father said he saw you today." She said, looking up at him with curious eyes.

"Oh, well, I did run into him in the hallway on my way back here."

"He said you were acting a bit strange. Are you feeling alright? I hope you're not getting sick or anything." She reached up and placed her hand against his forehead to see if he felt warm.

"Nah, I'm not sick, babe."

"Oh! Well, that's good then, right?" She smiled. She walked over to the far corner of the bedroom where she had left her paints and brushes laying on an old sheet on the floor. The walls of the bedroom were her canvas, and she was not nearly finished with them. "I think I'm going to need a ladder soon, huh?" She glanced over at Eugene when he didn't respond; he was laying on the bed on his stomach, with his nose in the book.

She placed the paintbrush that she had just picked up back on the floor, and sauntered over to him. "Whatcha' reading?" She asked when she got close enough. She sat down and crossed her legs right next to his shoulders.

"Oh, just some weird book that I picked up in the library. It's nothing." He contemplated closing the book, but then she'd see the cover, and inquire. Still, she peered his shoulder and attempted to read it.

"Ooh! It's a cookbook! Were you gonna cook me dinner?" She asked excitedly.

"Sort of." He absently responded. "Wait a second, this is a cookbook?!" No wonder he couldn't make sense of what he was reading. He'd been trying to translate a _literal cookbook_. There were no euphemisms, there was no hidden text, there was _nothing_ to translate.

"Well yeah, you're looking at a recipe for vegetable samosas." Rapunzel answered, slightly puzzled. "It says it right there. Are you sure you're feeling okay, Eugene?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, just a bit perplexed. I thought this book was something else." It seemed like all of his hard work was for nothing. He shut the book, now unashamed of what the cover said. Clearly, it didn't matter since what was written on the outside was certainly not what was written on the inside.

"Eugene, does that cover say _Kama Sutra_?" Rapunzel asked, biting on her lip as if to hold back laughter.

"Yeah, I was going to surprise you." He said sheepishly. "But clearly, this is no erotic book. It's a cookbook." He glanced back at Rapunzel, who was choking back laughter. "What's so funny?!" He asked defensively.

"I have something to show you." Eugene sat up as Rapunzel unraveled her legs and stepped onto the floor. She went around to her side of the bed, and crouched down before reaching under the bed and pulling out a book of her own. She climbed over the bed and sat down next to him again, before she showed him the book she had been hiding.

" _The Guide to Indian Cuisine_?" Eugene questioned. The pieces were slowly starting to fit together. Rapunzel slipped off the paper cover to reveal that she book she was holding was indeed not _The Guide to Indian Cuisine_ , but rather _Kama Sutra_. She then took the book that had the _Kama Sutra_ cover from Eugene, and slipped off its paper cover to reveal the book's true title, _The Guide to Indian Cuisine._

"I took out _Kama Sutra_ months ago. I just switched the protective cover with that cookbook so my parent's or the palace staff wouldn't get suspicious of why the most erotic book in the library was missing." She giggled.

"So the dirtiest book in the whole palace has been in our bedroom the whole time?" Eugene asked, dumbfounded. He never saw this coming.

"Yeah, pretty much." She wasn't making up excuses as to why she had the book, she was being honest.

"You're telling me that my beautiful little wife, the Princess of Corona, has been hiding such a salacious secret from her loving, devoted husband?"

"Yup." She responded, with a smirk.

"If I do say so myself, that was quite the clever trade. You certainly had me fooled. I spent at least an hour trying to figure out what kind of euphemisms were inscribed in that book. But, I was fooled, and the real book was under my nose the whole time." He sighed.

"How did you not figure it out when you saw there were actual ingredients? Like, what could potatoes have been a euphemism for?"

"I don't know! Foreplay?"

"I suppose the book was what you were hiding from my father today. And why you must've been acting strangely." She smirked again.

"Well what can I say? I didn't exactly want to tell your father what book I had retrieved. And what I planned to do with the information in that book." He answered, slightly embarrassed.

"Well, I don't blame you. I would've done the same." She laid her head on his shoulder. "The last thing I want is for my parents to know what we're up to _all_ the time."

"I should've brought my Flynn Rider satchel with me and stuffed it in there." He admitted. "I'll do that when it's time to bring it back."

After a few moments of silence, Rapunzel spoke up. "Let's go get some dinner, and then we can read that book together. What do you say?"

"Sounds like a plan." He leaned down to kiss her, and then they got up off the bed.

"Wait! Before we leave, let's switch the covers again and put the cookbook pack in the library."

So they did, leaving the disguised _Kama Sutra_ on the bed. They closed the door and made their way to the library before heading down to dinner.

Cassandra, however, had just been sent up to find out where they were. She knocked on the door, and upon her touching, the door clicked open. She was suspicious that the door wasn't fully closed in the first place, but she popped her head in.

"Raps? Fitzherbert? You guys up here?" When there was no response, she stepped into the room. She glanced around the room, which was quiet and still, before taking a few more steps in. She noticed the book on the bed, and her curiosity got the best of her. She made her way over to the bed, and picked up the book.

" _The Guide to Indian Cuisine,_ hmm. Maybe Raps wants to try her hand at cooking foreign foods now." She flipped open the book to one of the many images it contained before slamming it shut with wide eyes. She threw it down on the bed as if it would bite her. "Ew, oh my god, why did I just touch that? This is the _last_ time I come into this room."

She ran out of the room, making sure that the door was fully shut behind her unlike how it was when she had found it. She wiped her hands off on her skirt, gagging slightly, and then made her way down to dinner. Not that she had much of an appetite now. But hey, at least she'd keep their dirty secret.

 **Hopefully that wasn't as terrible as I tend to think my writing is. Drop me a comment, they make me happy, and they're greatly appreciated. Special thanks to Olivia for co-piloting this adventure.**


End file.
